Happy end of the year, and good riddance to the hardest year of my life. Some interesting phenomena about life after 11.5 months of being a dad:

every month is easier than the last

It’s still true. Upsides keep increasing; it’s kind of fun to take him on an errand or something. He can play with things and half-communicate. Downsides keep decreasing; his sleep is still not ideal, but mostly manageable. (one wakeup a night, and then gets up at 7am; I’d love those to be 0 and 8am, but what can you do.)

And I have more mostly-invisible skills. I don’t feel super-drained most days. I feel like I’m at Level 0 of the Dan Depression Scale most days.

passing time is an achievement

This has been true all year, and a stunning reversal from all previous years. Before 2023, when a day went by, I felt like I’m wasting my life, time was slipping through my fingertips, day by day. In 2023, every day that went by was a triumph. I’ve survived this day, I’m still alive, baby is still alive, T and I are still married, nobody’s in a terrible crisis. Incredible. (butterfly) is this gratitude?

bits of identity keep dropping off

I remember when I was 22 making a list of everything I cared about being good at. Making music, knowing my city, etc etc. The list keeps shrinking, and this year experienced a huge drop-off. In particular:

• I used to see myself as, y’know, a professional software developer, but also an artist-who-codes or a coder-who-does-art in his spare time. I mean, This Person Exists or Pokemon NØ or Swot Perderder. Don’t get me wrong, I was never good at it, but I’d go to Gray Area or NØ School or something to hang out with other people who did it and I didn’t feel like a huge fraud.
• I used to be an academic researcher, then a Data Scientist, but right now my job could best be described as Software Engineer. It’s lower prestige, to be sure, but I just like doing it more. I used to have some tension about this, and now I’m just fine with it. I’m happiest being an Engineer who can talk with the Data Scientists.

These two in particular are kind of sad, but actually feel good. It’s not that I feel like these paths (to be an Artist or a Data Scientist) are completely closed off, it’s that I feel free of the clinging to them. Maybe I’ll be more of an Artist or Data Scientist in the future, but if I don’t, it’s ok.

Did this happen because of my kid? If so, I don’t understand why. There’s an easy story that goes “I don’t need validation from accomplishments because being a dad is meaningful enough” but that doesn’t match my experience.

at any rate, I’m doing better

I wouldn’t say I’m unbothered, moisturized, in my lane, flourishing, but it’s been a long time since the Depression Index rose above 1, it’s usually 0. That’s pretty good. I’ll take it for now, I’ll keep surviving, and chalking it up as a win each day.