I notice if my blog doesn’t have any posts on it in a month and that makes me kind of sad. so, mostly a mental/emotional checkpoint because that’s useful to have later.

heck of a month! not doing great! I had two bikes stolen. I’ve got insurance, but it’s a pain. wrangling a toddler continues to be difficult. so I’ve been pretty depressive: low energy, mopey, grumpy.

yesterday I had friends over to do puzzles, and that’s usually one of my favorite things, but it took all the energy we had, and then some. (T is sick, too.) It felt like a splurge, time-wise, and not just a normal thing one might do on a weekend. and that means both that I’m wanting more out of it (you don’t go to a fancy restaurant and say “well that was a pretty good spaghetti marinara”), and that I just can’t do it all the time.

which is frustrating. I feel like the things I do that give me joy just keep getting sucked away. It feels like there’s Time Inflation; like it used to be that I could buy a fancy coffee every day, and now that coffee costs $50 and I can only afford it once a month.

(what are some of those things? 1. computer art, 2. long bike rides, 3. spacious time, 4. some travel, 5. freedom of money, 6. now puzzles, I guess?, 7. a group in which we get altered and create drama¹)

none of this is T’s fault; she’s doing her best to make sure my entire life doesn’t get inflated away, and I really appreciate it. but there’s only so much a co-parent can do.

(picture: me staring into the wind, yelling “what else do you want?” as I am eroded away)

I should mention that I’m very aware of a couple voices: “you’re playing on super easy mode” and “if you were more open/calm/wise, you would be overwhelmed with love instead of focusing on all the stuff you have to do”. but as usual they don’t help