the snail shell


Spending

Every year I total up all the stuff we’ve spent. This is useful for getting at least to Tier 2 and thereby being at least kind of able to think smartly about money.

I just saw Jeff Kaufman’s spending update and this makes me want to make a public post of my own. Mostly as a public service: it’s so helpful for me to read the results of someone who I feel at least kinda similar to.

so what do we spend money on

thingapprox cost in $1000s
nanny63
mental and physical health20
groceries15
restaurants9
helping out friends9
kid supplies, babysitters, activities8
house (paid off)8
hobbies7
wills/trusts5
coworking space4
home decorations/furniture4
family travel3
vacation3
car (paid off)3
new bike3
new fence3
coffee shops3
life insurance2
pharmacy2
gym1
total196

(I know that doesn’t add up; I forgot a lot of “little things” here I’m sure. Don’t count this as a total pie chart, but as some anecdotes of “how much stuff costs for us.")

can I feel less bad

This also always makes me feel bad. I always think “I should be spending less” - either because I should be saving for the future, or I should just be less destructive to the earth or something.

This year I did an exercise: “what’s different from 2010 Dan?” 2010 Dan lived alone in an apartment in Seattle and spent $30k/year. That didn’t seem wasteful. Why am I not like that now? Have I lifestyle-inflated that much?

But, ok:

Conclusion: we have lifestyle-inflated (all our groceries, coffee, travel, etc) about 11% since 2010. But mostly just, kids and other side effects of aging cost a lot of money!

This is reassuring. It’s still a ton of outgoing cash but I’m not worried that we’re leaking huge amounts in every area of our lives.



Parenting Snapshot

Feels valuable to have a “snapshot of life” every so often. I guess some people do this with photos or videos, but I like words. This is mostly about parenting.

N just turned 2. We spent a few days with each family; mostly overwhelming, though we are lucky to have families that love him (and us) so much.

We’ve broken the streak of “every month is easier than the last.” I don’t know if it’s the Terrible Twos or Teething or Oh My God I Just Acquired Consciousness And Now I’m Mad All The Time. (Don’t worry, bud, I’m told that only lasts 60 years or so.) But with this induction into dual awareness, this Will Smith “Welcome to Earth” punch in the face, has come regular demonic possession.

This means that every time we try to change his direction even a tiny bit from what he was trying to do, he’ll fight us, and at least once a day it’ll turn into full-on The Exorcist screaming and wailing and flailing. Again, sorry bud; you will get better at this with time. We hit a new record of 5x yesterday; only one so far today, but the day is young. We had to set up the old pack-and-play crib so he has a safe place to fizzle out again on the first floor because we need it so often.

Food is still a toss up; often he’ll refuse everything, sometimes he’ll eat everything, who knows. He likes running around and climbing, usually, which is harder in the winter. Still in diapers; I guess this is the year for potty training, but I don’t know how to do that and I’m not looking forward to it. He can say a lot of words and often short sentences, like “open the door” or “I’m sleeping”.

His nanny has been helpful, and we plan to start him at day care in the fall. Not looking forward to the ensuing localized epidemic, but inshallah, we’re getting some of it over with. We each got “walking pneumonia” in November and have been on and off sick ever since. There’s circles of hell here, and we’ve mostly stayed in the outer ones (one parent healthy, or a grandparent around to help), but the inner circles (two parents sick, someone gotta take care of energetic kid, and it’s winter) are just a skip away.

Oh, and he mostly doesn’t like me. Loves other family members; loves his mom. He’s ok if Mama’s not home and he’s stuck with me for a while, but if we’re both home he cries every time she leaves a room. Yesterday after his nap, I’d go check on him every 15 minutes and he kept saying “seeyoulater! seeyoulater!” and getting agitated until I left; I assume he was hoping that if I leave maybe Mama will come in the door next? shrug I hear this is typical too, and I’m not taking it personally.

What about the rest of my life? Well, I make time to do puzzles once a week, and the rest is work (not doing awesome at it, but hopefully treading water successfully) and maintenance (exercise, ~therapy, doctor appointments). We’re watching a good TV series called Dark (2017). It’s got time travel; otherwise don’t read too much about it beforehand. Still a lot of Slay the Spire; my free time is so sporadic (e.g. while I’m waiting for him to stop telling me “seeyoulater”) so phone games allow me 10min at a time, and it’s still the best phone game.

most positive take

I wonder why it feels important to me to make these snapshots on bad days. Given my last post about noticing the positive, how else could I put this?

I’m managing! I’m juggling all the demands of baby and job, and have time for fun too. T and I feel good together usually, I can still do puzzles and in fact am going to Mystery Hunt next week. I’m improving at my job, our house is nice and cozy, I can grow plants, I keep developing new reliable recipes, I’m reading good books, and I’m still fit as hell. Hell, I’m almost never in pain, which is a miracle itself.

(I didn’t feel terribly fake writing that last paragraph. Hmm. On the other hand, a cup of coffee just hit my bloodstream, and stimulants are a reliable mood booster for me.)



Noticing What's Good

One big question in my life for the last two years1 has been: my life is so good, so why am I so mad?

I keep trying stuff, as much as I can. I can’t say I’m an incredible Tim Ferriss self-experimenter, but I’ve been in and out of meditation, therapy, medicine both conventional and unconventional, exercise, philosophy, movement, heck even starting a family. There’s been benefits: like, I’m glad I lift weights now, it makes life 10% easier2. But 10% easier takes you from “baseline -5” to “baseline -4.5”, and that’s … not enough. There’s also been explored search spaces: for example, the whole “trauma” story3 doesn’t really help me, but now I know that.

But… what’s going on, if all that hasn’t helped?

One thing I notice: the default loop of my mind is “find something that’s wrong.” When I’m not really focusing on guiding my thoughts, I’ll keep noticing problems (ideally fixing them but usually just spinning). What if it wasn’t like that? Like, what if I default went to “what’s good about the present moment?”

That feels both plausible (I’ve never really changed this) and powerful enough (attention is all you need). This feels like what neuroscientists and airport psychology books call the “default mode network” and what Buddhists call tanha4.

It also feels impossible. Like, that event loop is running 1000 times a minute. If I notice, maybe I can turn one of those from negative to positive, which leaves 999 left. Then the next minute, I’ve got 1000 negative again.

On the other hand, according to a reliable source (someone on twitter), the distance between a life worth living and wanting to die really is, like, one minor amusement a day.5 I’m working with someone right now who’s convinced this shift is very possible, and I mostly believe her. The shift may not be direct: you don’t change those 1000/minute by wrenching one grumpy moment into a smile, then another, etc. … I’ll update if I figure it out.

  1. really the last 15 years, but especially strongly since baby ↩︎

  2. especially with a kid! hoo boy I would absolutely tell anyone having a kid to get strong first, it helps a lot. ↩︎

  3. by “the trauma story” I mean “all your problems are a result of childhood trauma.” This is obviously true for some people, but it’s probably non-obviously true for some others, and I guess I thought maybe I was in that latter class? But after lots of exploration, now I’m pretty sure I’m not. ↩︎

  4. “tanha” - “the fast grabby feeling” - that feeling that constantly goes “life is not ok right now.” Leads to dukkha - “suffering” or “hard to bear-ness.” Not super confident, IANAB ↩︎

  5. tweet says: “i love the “never kill yourself” genre bc it captures the slippery truth that the distance between a life worth living and wanting to die really is, like, one minor amusement a day. that’s why it’s imperative to go outside and look at things and try to like them.” It’s quoting a tweet that says “snowing in new york. deli had Hello Kitty toilet paper. Demi Moore has a Golden Globe. never kill yourself.” ↩︎