the snail shell


An Hour in the Life

Here’s about 3/4 of the thoughts that go through my head in ~1hr of watching kid N. It is always so hard to write these down. I should have a GoPro so I can write them later. But I didn’t. So here’s what I could scribble or remember:

  1. There’s the ice cream truck. Do we go get the ice cream truck? I guess so, it’s magic and fun. I am still wary of the “every day is a special occasion” that leads to eating sweets every day. Uh but we have to decide so let’s go
  2. Do we run outside without shoes? Well, if we don’t, we’re going to miss it. Fine.
  3. “N, pick out what you want!” He picks a Tweety Bird thing. It’s $4.25. I have exactly $4. I do not know how to say “sorry man, can I just give you $4?” I do not know how to tell N “can you pick something else?” What do I do, what do I do. Luckily the guy says “Just $4 is fine.” Whew.
  4. Coming back inside, my wife wants us to take off our (now dirty) socks. Uh, that’s annoying but ok.
  5. Now we go into the backyard to eat the ice cream and she says “wait, don’t go outside without shoes.” Wait - what? She says “going outside without shoes, then coming back in the house - it’s like wearing your shoes in the house.” I did not realize she thought this and we never discussed it. Um… I see where she’s coming from, but I do not at all want to follow that rule! But we can’t discuss it now; N is covered in ice cream. Uh, shoot, got to politely disengage and discuss it later without conceding.
  6. (what’s actually going on here? I’m surprised she is reacting so strongly. Maybe she just always felt this and we really never discussed it? I don’t know.)
  7. I’m outside with N and he is a mess eating ice cream. Do I get wipes or just let it go. It’s obviously going to be messy. I’ll get wipes.
  8. Ok now… do I wipe his nose/mouth? He’s only 1/3 done. It’s going to get super messy again. I wipe his nose and mouth.
  9. He’s dripping everywhere, do I try to contain it - like “try to drip on the ground, not on the chairs”? Or do I just let it go
  10. Oh no, Tweety bird has gumball eyes. I think. Maybe they’re just candy? Oh shoot then they’d be like a jawbreaker candy, and that’s worse. Oh hell. Wife T is going to be scared/mad. I’m not sure which she would be more scared by. But I think he’ll make it through. He’s starting to eat it. Umm, he’s still chewing. I think it’s gum.
  11. No he’s arguing that it’s not gum. How do I explain gum? Like, “You have to chew it and spit it out” “No I don’t!” uhh yes you do? How much do I fight about this
  12. Ok he’s swallowed one piece of gum. That’s ok? I guess?
  13. Tweety’s other eye is another piece of gum. Do I let him eat it? Do I argue with him? Ok he spit out the gum I guess that’s good.
  14. Oh no he’s got brain freeze and is crying
  15. I tell him, “Put your tongue on the roof of your mouth like this”, nope, he does not understand, ok whatever
  16. God what an unholy mess.
  17. Ok I’m gonna spray your hands with the hose sprayer. Shoot, I need to go turn the hose on. Uh, stay here. He follows me. “I’m gonna help you turn on the hose” uh ok. How do I let you help me turn on the hose? um ok we … both touch the knob and I turn it?
  18. Ok sprayed his hands off. But the sprayer is too strong so I have to be careful, set it on wide spray, and just get his hands with the one side of the wide spray.
  19. He wants to spray. ummmm uhh, ok “Let’s spray the pavement where the ice cream dripped, see there and there?” oh hell he doesn’t get it, umm now what
  20. ooh how about watering the plants. “Hey bud, want to water the plants now?” ahh but shit the sprayer is too strong. If he just points it at a small plant it’ll blow it away. umm so I try to say “hey let’s stand back and kind of widely spray it?” ah geez I gotta get a new sprayer. Another new sprayer. Ugh. Now what do we do
  21. Ahh right we gotta plant this plant. We bought it at the garden center. I had this cute idea that he’d pick out a plant and it’d be his plant. I don’t think he understood. But much like Tweety Bird he picked out a “bellflower.” Well, ok. “Hey bud, want to plant this plant?” He says “Ok I’ll get my bike”. What the hell? You don’t need your bike, that’s just one more complication. But I guess I just let him, :shrug:
  22. ah geez this is going to be hard to let him plant a plant without completely butchering it. I guess I’ll basically do the work, and let him help. I dig a hole.
  23. “Ok, N, hold this while we take the plant out.” Good. “Now put the dirt around it to fill in the hole. Ah, no, not on top of the plant, but around it. Um, no, not like that. Here, I’ll help. We get it done.
  24. He’s riding his bike. For some dumbass reason, I think “Hey, want to try to ride your bike with pedals?” He has never done this, but he is very proficient without pedals, balance-bike style. So I get out the pedals and wrench.
  25. He wants to help with the wrench, uh this is hard. Um, I guess I’ll mostly do it.
  26. Oh God oh no, he’s trying to ride with the pedals and he is so so scared and mad now, shit
  27. He keeps going “I don’t know how” and I’m trying to be encouraging, like “yeah, but that’s ok, this is how you learn!” He is not processing that. Ok let’s bail, don’t want to freak him out. I take the pedals back off.
  28. Now he’s going “I want to go to the park!” but ugh we don’t have time and it’s starting to rain
  29. Now he goes “Let’s spray away the rain!” I have no idea what that means but I assume it means spraying the hose, in the rain. Yep. How do I make sure he doesn’t spray me? Well, whatever, I kinda point him away from me. Sure, I guess you can spray the rain.
  30. “Let’s put our bikes in the rain!” what? no! ugh do I fight him on this? It’s not like it’ll get that damaged from a couple minutes in the rain.
  31. N: “Look I have an umbrella now!” (pretending) ah ok I can do this, let’s pretend. Me: “Wow, beautiful umbrella!”
  32. He’s got the hose again. “It’s ok dada I won’t spray you.” Uh ok I guess
  33. He immediately sprays me, right in the face. (Accidentally, at least.)
  34. I yell out “aah!” in genuine surprise. Not even mad, just surprised. He starts crying and screaming. I guess I am consoling him now, that me getting sprayed in the face was traumatic to him.
  35. Ok we’re moving the bike back to the door. Yesterday when I suggested he move his bike 3 feet to the side of the door, he erupted in top-of-his-lungs screams. So I steel myself for another fight and say “Can you move your bike here?” Today he just says ok.
  36. Now we’re inside but he’s going “I want to go to the park”, screaming, crying, but it’s 7pm and we don’t have time. I just say “sorry bud, we don’t have time.” This does not connect. How do I change the mental tracks
  37. “I want strawberries!” ah shit, exactly today they’re gone because we had a mishap with a leaky chicken package. What the hell, you never want strawberries. Uh, can I get you a muffin instead? You like muffins, right? No.
  38. My wife comes down in a sequined dress. (She’s going to a party.) He’s picking at the sequins on her dress. Do I stop him?
  39. He really really doesn’t want Mom to leave, yelling screaming, long long goodbye.
  40. Ok now he doesn’t want to eat and says “I want to go for a walk” - ok I guess?
  41. Now he’s saying he’s tired. Is that just… like is he trying to get out of having to eat dinner? Is he actually tired? Then we should just go upstairs? But he wants to go for a walk instead?
  42. Now he’s going “Why did it rip?” and I have no idea what he’s talking about so I mostly ignore it.
  43. Back to crying “I want to go to the park!” but maybe I can convince him to just go around the neighborhood instead?
  44. But he’ll want to ride his bike. So we need to get his helmet. Um, how do I convince him to do this. Ok I guess he’s ok with it.
  45. There are two steps down from the deck. He wants to walk his bike down them. He falls, screams at painful decibel levels. Ouch.
  46. I take his bike down the stairs. Screams escalate. “I wanna do it again!”
  47. Ok ok fine, so I move the hose at least to get rid of one more obstacle. “No I don’t want you to move the hose! Put it back!” I even try to put it back but it’s still not right. He’s screaming at max volume.
  48. Hmm this is not gonna work, we have to break this cycle. He’s not going to go for a walk/bike ride; he’s losing it. I better intervene and stop letting him frustrate himself. Ow my ears.
  49. What do we even do now? Used to be I’d put him in the crib but now he doesn’t have a crib. I um… try to just set him on the couch? But he gets up and runs away. Ok, I guess we’re taking a break upstairs in his not-crib bed. I guess? Change of scenery maybe? He is kicking and screaming as I carry him up. Is this right? When I say “let’s take a break” he has learned to always yell “no I don’t wanna take a break!” Maybe I have trained the wrong thing :(
  50. Oh his pants are wet. Did he wet himself, or was that a hose spray thing? Well, we’ll get to it when the screaming dies down.
  51. He’s in his bed, screaming. At least he’s not running away. Is he gonna fizzle out or is this doomed to be one of those 45 minute screaming sessions he used to do?
  52. Oh shit now he’s running away. I bring him back. Luckily he doesn’t keep running away. He is fully demonic-possessed, top of his lungs screaming, this hurts my ears.
  53. After a few minutes this dies down, in waves. Now he wants to use the potty. Ok, good! Shoot, his pants are wet. Do I get another pair? It’s like 30 min until I dress him for bed in a diaper. Ah forget it, let’s just do the diaper now.
  54. He gets fascinated by a couple puddles of water on the floor. “What’s that water on the floor, is it pee water?” No, I think that was mama taking a shower and then stepping out of the shower. This takes a couple tries but he figures it out.
  55. Ok now he’s ready to go down and eat dinner. And he’s mostly ok.
  56. “I want strawberries” ah shit, still don’t have them.
  57. Man, I had an idea we were going to go to Aldi and get groceries and save probably $40. This didn’t happen. Welp, we’ll order Whole Foods. Obv of all the things, I care the least about this one. But I care a little bit!
  58. As he’s eating, I’m putting together a shopping list. A little self-recrimination from being on my phone, but I’ve been typing some of this for the whole hour, so, what can I do.

hoof

This is one hour. Not the best hour but not the worst. I’d say it’s maybe an 80th percentile difficulty hour.

Let’s analyze a bit. Some of these are own-goals where the answer might be “just chill out.” Like 57 (can’t do my grocery plan tonight) or 53 (put him in diaper 1/2 hr early). But it’s not that easy: the conscious part of me knows and does just chill out; I’m not mad that I can’t do my grocery plan tonight! But it still triggers something in the unconscious part of me that makes me low-level uneasy.

“Dan, do you have a sensory processing issue?” I don’t know, it’s mostly not sensory! Like 3 of these points were “ow this is too loud”; mostly it’s just “can we please stop being chaotic and forcing me to make a decision?”

What can I do here? Trying not to get so absolutely worn down by this feels like trying not to get worn down by a constant airhorn in your ear, or by someone constantly scraping you with sandpaper.

Other parents: does this happen to you too? What do you do?



Parent Math

A friend coined this and it’s been such a useful concept that I keep referencing it, so it’s worth writing up.

Parent Math is all the micro calculations you make while you’re with your kid. Some examples:

I know this all sounds like overanxious parenting, but what’s the alternative? “Just do what feels natural, man”? Here’s what feels natural:

Obviously none of these work with a kid! And there’s nothing that feels natural for “convince someone they have to pee”; that’s never really come up before. The closest thing might be a dog, and that’s not that hard; feed and walk them, and they regulate themselves better than toddlers!

What’s another alternative? Read one parenting book and follow all its advice? Ugh. (If you read multiple parenting books, you will find that they conflict!) Ask “what would mom and dad do?” (if you, like me, have a mom and dad you find worthy of emulation) Well, they would:

Are there other alternatives?



The Biggie Filter

This is one of the most important lessons I would tell my younger self upon entering any sort of workforce, including school.

It’s called “The Biggie Filter”, after a professor of mine we called Biggie. We called him this because his name kind of sounded like Biggie1, and because he is perhaps the person in the world most unlike Biggie, which makes it all the funnier.

Prof. Biggie had this incredible ability to make you feel like an idiot when you talked to him. He’d often kind of turn his head sideways and squint, and maybe ask you something like “what do you mean by that?”, as if you had just said “the world is flat” and he’s trying to tell if you’re a conspiracy nut or just a garden variety fool. He had a very cooler-than-thou look, unintentionally but believably, because he was the kind of person who could reference Baudrillard or Latour in his writing and actually know what he’s talking about. One time he had us submit some homework through a google form, and upon submitting, instead of saying “thank you” or something, it said “Sereously?” [sic], and we all did a double take, because it’s the kind of thing he would actually say. And of course he was somewhere between “well-known” and “luminary” in his field, did great work, has a zillion papers and awards, etc. So interacting with him was usually a little bit ego-bruising.

But he didn’t mean it to be! I got to know him working on a project, never to the point where I’d call him “warm”, but to the point where I knew he never meant any condescension with his remarks. He was supportive of his students (those he advised and those in his classes) and earnest in his work. That’s just kinda the way he looked and talked.

So the Biggie Filter is this: Whenever Prof. Biggie says something, make it like 3 levels more positive. If he says “I think that’s a mistake”, hear it as “I don’t know; feel free to argue with me. And it’s an interesting point!” If he says “I don’t know about that”, hear “Good idea, and you’re doing great work!” It got so much easier to work with him after I installed the Biggie Filter in our conversations: more accurate communication, less anxiety.

The meta-point here, though, is: You will have to install Biggie-type Filters in so many of your professional relationships, especially with superiors. They will not always be the same as the original Biggie Filter; here are some Biggie-type filters you might have:

(Not limited to bosses; you’ll need these for many coworkers! I’m just focusing on bosses here because they’re often the most fraught work relationship.)

If you have a new boss and things don’t go swimmingly from the start, and you can find coworkers who will tell you their Biggie Filters for this boss, that will be so helpful! You can’t install them as-is; they depend on both you and the boss. But they don’t vary too widely; it’s rare that a boss will be very positive to someone and negative to someone else.2 It’s a good thing to try before you start jumping to conclusions and getting anxious about what the new boss means whenever you talk with them.

  1. actually it wasn’t Biggie, but another East Coast rapper. Anonymity, you know. The effect is the same. ↩︎

  2. if they are, or if their filter changes often, this is usually a Bad Sign ↩︎