I keep trying to figure out my depression.¹

The right mental model seems important. For example, one mental model is “grade school science fair”: you get rewarded for how hard you try. So if you’re feeling depressed, try harder! (This is not a very good mental model.)

One model I was trying out is Fill Up All The Tanks: I need to make sure all my tanks are full of the right gas, oil, transmission fluid, whatever, then I’ll feel good.

Unfortunately, it’s not enough. Last week I was hit with an intense spat of depression out of almost nowhere. So I’m amending the mental model to also include The Weather: sometimes you just get hit with a storm for no reason.²

Also: The Uphill Climb. Harder life is harder! Here this is not normative, I’m not saying I should/shouldn’t take on this or that challenge, but I should recognize that in the more difficult parts of life, I’m going to be depressed more often.

Some mental models that do not seem to fit me:

• Trauma: as in, “once you find and heal your trauma you’ll be better.” I spent a lot of time looking for trauma and … afaict, I just don’t have much
• The Vitamin: “turns out you were deficient in Vitamin Q, and once you started taking it, you were fine”
• The Big Unlock: “once I started (doing practice X), it really opened things up for me.” I’ve tried a lot of Practice Xs, I don’t know
• Seasonal Affective Disorder: seems to happen just as much in summer as in winter

Mental models that I’m not sure if they fit me:

• Bad Chemicals: “You just have a low level of serotonin, so of course you’re depressed, you need a serotonin-boosting drug”³
• Purpose/Meaning: “John Doe was terribly oppressed his whole life but because he was devoted to God he was happy” It is hard to find meaning in life but with a wonderful family, friends, fine career, decent spiritual life, it’s hard to believe that I have less of this than most people

So, Fill All The Tanks, The Weather, and the Uphill Climb. It’s rather a lot of words to say “I still don’t know what I’m doing here.”