I really gave it a good go this time! Alas

a brief history

of Dan meditating (this is for my own sake, tbh):

• 2007-08: a guy taught “zen meditation” at college. Sounded cool. None of us had any idea what we were doing. One guy burst into class one day declaring he was enlightened and never came back. Ok.
• ~2010: saw a “Buddha Dome” at burning man. They had a chanting practice. I sat with them and then they connected me with a Seattle group. They were friendly enough but I didn’t like their beliefs: “prosperity gospel megachurch but Buddhist”. Soka Gakkai, a mostly pretty chill cult.
• ~2010-11: found another local group, Bodhiheart Sangha. Lovely folks. Sat with them weekly and on my own daily for a while. Read Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha, got real excited.
• 2011-12: traveled a bunch. Did some retreats in India, incl a 10 day Goenka, and Netherlands.
• 2012-14: grad school, depressed, off and on. Retreat at Bhavana Society. Disillusioned, mostly quit.
• 2016-19: met Kenneth Folk, got taught by him for a bit. Daily practiced. Eventually got disillusioned and quit.
• 2021: Jhanas got popular on Twitter! Meditated daily for 4 months through force of will trying to get there. Disillusioned, quit.
• 2023-24: Brightmind and coaching from Toby Sola. Daily practice. Disillusioned, quit.

Looking at this list, I feel like an alcoholic who keep trying to quit, but instead of alcohol it’s “not-meditating.”

now

At any rate, I’m not-meditating again. A couple weeks ago, paraphrased:

Me: Come on, I’m still at the same place I was a year ago, this sucks and I hate it, what the hell
Toby: Yeah, that’s true… why are you doing this? Is it possible it’s not helping you you right now?
Me: It’s absolutely not helping! What the hell!
Toby: Er… right? You don’t have to meditate.

(I mean this entirely complimentarily to him; he’s been a great support and I’d recommend him, and from an outside point of view I think he’s probably right!)

And I think this was the permission I needed: someone who knows his stuff telling me “nah, this isn’t going to magically start working for you right now.” (I wonder if this is what Kenneth was thinking too - I got back in touch with him in 2021 and had one call with him, then he ghosted me. :shrug:)

so what’s the problem

Why am I even doing this? What am I trying to get out of it? Answered this in a chat a couple weeks ago:

1. stream entry (and beyond?)
2. reliable access to jhanas
3. whatever Shinzen Young’s got¹
4. whatever it is that psychedelics do, without drugs
5. not be depressed

Ultimately these all boil down to #5. Life is so painful! I don’t want it to be² Right now I see a couple ways out:

1. feel good, then the questions of meaning don’t come up
2. feel like your life is meaningful
3. idk get enlightened?

I can do #1 if everything is going well and my life is easy enough. Obviously, perhaps, that’s unstable. My life is not easy enough right now. Drugs can give you #1 but they’re not good enough. I don’t know if I can do #2. Some people seem to have a career that gives them meaning, or deep connections to their family that are enough for their life to feel meaningful, or a relationship with God, or something? I just don’t and I don’t know how I would. So that leaves #3.

So why not just meditate a lot? I just can’t seem to. It’s so painful. And I say this not as someone who’s just trying it and “ohh sitting still is so hard”, I mean, I’ve got between 1000-2000 hours sitting. It’s so painful because it feels like so much work for nothing. Almost absolutely nothing. There’s never been any payoff. I would have more payoff if I had been watching reality TV the whole time (except, then I couldn’t make this exact complaint).

I don’t do well learning/practicing without feedback. I can do weights: number goes up! I can do guitar: I used to not be able to play something, now I can. I can’t do “repeat daily for years, assume that it’s working, even though it never feels like it.”

So, I guess I’m getting off path 3, “meditate a lot”, again. Feels bad, but staying on it feels worse.